I'm in a much less maudlin mood today. My sleep was crummy, but I've reset my emotional barometer and feel more in control of the son-going-to-preschool situation. In retrospect, I probably haven't given the whole notion a fighting chance. I must be patient; my child has a way of surprising me (and educating me, too.)
In other news, I didn't go to church this morning, even though it's Sunday. In fact, I never go to church. This fact makes me feel simultaneously free and terrified.
Truly, I've never found an organized religion that resonated with me or gave me any sense of peace. Every time I have attempted to become involved with a church or a group (always Christian-based, as a side note), I have ended up disappointed, confused and disillusioned. Typically, I slink away in disgust, unable to reconcile my questions about why the faith does what it does or expects what it expects.
Am I unusual? I'm not certain. I'm a part of so-called Generation X, a very interesting fusion of individuals who battle traditionalism but intellectually and emotionally seem to crave some kind of religion or communion.
Many Xers have turned to alternative religions and practices, including Wicca, Paganism, and Atheism (which I feel is a sort of religion in and unto itself.) But none of those options feel "right" to me.
Could it be that I'm destined to struggle with this my entire life? If so, I'm sure I'm not alone.
I've always been amazed by people who have that thing called FAITH that's so heralded, especially in Christianity, Judaism, and Islam. I just don't have that level of trust in something I cannot see or prove. Often, I find it difficult to even trust things I can see, for crying out loud!
My hope is that God (if there is a God) will understand my concerns and not penalize me for questioning something that so many others so freely and easily embrace.
I hope I'm not disappointed.
Dear God, are you there? It's me... Angelique...
(My apologies to Judy Blume for bastardizing one of her most beloved titles...)
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5 comments:
I think we all have to find a solution to those questions you mentioned.
I myself, have never been a member to any religious groups, neither have I attended church on Sundays, for the God I believe in does not lives EXCLUSIVELY in places like that.
Why should one go to church when one finds God elsewhere?
If calling God 'God' disturbs you do not call it 'God'.
Hope I was of some help.
Szelsofa:
That's an excellent point about calling God by the name "God". Perhaps that's part of the problem, at least for me.
I, too, would feel more comfortable with a benevolent "higher power" who allows us a good amount of free will, but provides us with a degree of comfort when necessary.
And why can't you seem to find it?
Everyone finds their own path. I hope you can reach a reconciled state in your relationship with (a) God or lack thereof.
I find it a great blessing that my belief and knowledge of God is one of the few things I'm absolutely sure of.
In reference to Szelsofa's comment, I also believe that God does not live exclusively at church. He visits us daily in all aspects, but going to church is a way for us to focus on a visit to Him. This is my humble opinion.
Szelsofa: I'm not sure why I cannot find God. Maybe I'm looking in the wrong places...?
Joni: Thank you so much for commenting and for visiting! I'm pleased to hear that you have such faith. As I mentioned before, I am always impressed when people can find comfort in religion. Perhaps it will happen one day for me, too.
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