Monday, August 20, 2007

Living Each Day as If It Were...

Though I don't always achieve my goals, I try to live each day as fully as I can. Even if I just move a little further toward my dreams, I feel that I've done something.

Why?

Well, to put it mildly, I would hate to have the following scenario occur. I mean, how embarrassing!

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(knock on door)

Me: Coming...!
Voice: Take your time...
Me: (opens door to reveal man in black robe carrying scythe) Oh!
Death: Yeah, I get that a lot. (pause) Can I come in?
Me: (recovers) Of course! How rude of me... Go up the stairs to your left...
Death: Wow. This place is deceptively big for a townhouse.
Me: (laughs) I hear that so often. We were shocked, too. That's why we bought it.
Death: But how is the resale value?
Me: Eh, could be better, could be worse.
Death: Condos don't normally appreciate much...
Me: (interrupts) True, but they don't DEpreciate much, either.
Death: Good point.

(pause)

Me: Sit down.

(both sit at dining room table)

Death: I guess you know why I'm here.
Me: (sighs) Damn.

(pause)

Death: I always hate this part.
Me: Before you start on your pitch about how nice being deceased is going to be, would you like a drink?
Death: You know, I really would. Have anything carbonated? I had a stromboli for lunch and it's not sitting right.
Me: Sure - Coke okay?
Death: Only if it's Diet... I'm trying to watch my waistline...
Me: Are you kidding me? Of course it's diet! (both laugh)
Death: (takes can) Thanks. (pulls papers out of a briefcase) Okay. So let's get down to business. (puts on reading glasses and recites for the millionth time) I'm here today to help you begin your journey to a wonderful world beyond the confines of this...
Me: (interjects) I need an extension.
Death: (looks up over glasses) I beg your pardon?
Me: (repeats loudly) I'm asking for an extension of a few years... or longer. I need to get some things done.
Death: (puts papers down slowly) This isn't negotiable.
Me: (chuckles) Hey, I worked in sales. EVERYTHING is negotiable.
Death: (smiles despite himself and takes a swig of diet Coke) Okay, so what am I going to tell my boss? (lowers voice) He'll kill me if I don't harvest my quota of souls.
Me: Hmmm. I'm not sure.
Death: (continues) I mean, I'd like to help you...
Me: ... I know you would...
Death: ...but it's just... well... I'm up for a promotion at the end of the month and my numbers are down this quarter. I mean. Geez, I hate this job sometimes.
Me: Why don't you try another line of work?
Death: (laughs wryly) Yeah, right. I've been doing this so long... I'd love to try... well...
Me: Go on.
Death: Okay. Please don't laugh. But I'd really like to work in politics. I've always had dreams of being some kind of a pundit. I think I can make a difference...
Me: So why don't you?
Death: (sighs and sips soda again) I'm too old.
Me: (scoffs) You're not too old! I've seen people older than you make a change!
Death: Eh... you sound just like my wife... she's always nagging me to go back to school, do what makes me happy... (coughs uncomfortably)

(pause)

Me: So... do we have a deal?
Death: (smiles) Yeah, yeah we do.
Me: Come back in five years... maybe ten...
Death: I'll tell you what... I'll give you twenty, but you have to promise to do something with your life.
Me: Only if you do with yours!
Death: (gets up) Thanks for the drink. It hit the spot. No, don't get up. I can let myself out.
Me: Be careful out there!
Death: (calls as he leaves) Take care!

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copyright 2007, AHCaffrey

9 comments:

SzélsőFa said...

I'm sorry, but why was this scene embarrassing? You made a deal, didn't you? You were allowed to go on in this form of life to accomplish, blah, blah.
You won over the black-robed man.
Aren't you happy with this scenario?

The Quoibler said...

Oh, I was being tongue-in-cheek, not literal! :)

You bring up great points!

Angelique

The Individual Voice said...

Worthy of Woody Allen.

jason evans said...

Great exchange! Death seems a little harried. I like that.

Hoodie said...

This is a very funny scenario.
My applause.

The Quoibler said...

tiv: I am still smiling from your comment. What a compliment. :)

Jason: I have always imagined that Death must have a million things to do at once. And imagining him with a bit of a nagging wife cracks me up.

Hoodie: (bowing) Thank you, thank you.

Beth said...

What in the heck is Szelsofa talking about? Seriously, I don't understand.

I took this as pure comedy. It made me laugh. Am I wrong?

The Quoibler said...

Beth:

I think the humor might have been lost... I should definitely NOT become a comedienne in Hungary! :)

Angelique

Jennifer said...

I don't think the humor was lost; as always I found you funny and insightful at the same time. I know I'm late but I saw this one from 7 Babes so... you know I'm a fan anyhow late or not.