Friday, November 23, 2007

Screw Shopping... I'm Giving Up...

Five Things I’d Rather Do Than Go Shopping on Black Friday

5. Personally give my cat a tongue-bath.

4. Unclog a toilet in a public facility using my bare hands.

3. Clip, shape, and polish the toenails of a professional drifter.

2. Model a bikini under harsh florescent lighting for a crowd of angry teens.

1. Listen to an opera based on the life of Dog the Bounty Hunter.


Ello said...

I shat myself reading your list! See? I used shat, aren't you proud of me?!

I am soooooo right there with you my friend. But then again I am the anti-woman as I actually despise shopping always. I would add to your list:

Gouge my eyes out with a safety pin.
Suffer excruciating food poisoning whereby you find yourself puking and crapping at the same time.
Do the macarena naked in front of angry crowd of Boston Red Sox fans at Fenway.
I could go on and on but I shall stop now.

And you thought you were a sick woman! ;o)

SzélsőFa said...

If you don't like shopping, then DON'T GO shopping.

I buy my Christmas presents throughout the year, to avoid the Christmas madness.
Sometimes aas early as in February I have most of my presents available in the closet, waiting for 24 December.

Your list was hilarious, btw.

Mary Witzl said...

Love these. Your number two is just priceless, and please understand that there is no pun intended.

I can add one here that I actually had to do recently, but hope never to repeat: fish out the long-dead rodent that dragged its mortally wounded body under the sofa where it then gave up the ghost. And rotted peacefully, but stinkily, away.

Church Lady said...

5. Mentally picture Rudy Giullani having sex

4. Clean up Chuck E Cheeses after a birthday party

3. Help Minister Bob clip his nose hair

2. Order a salad at a deli and watch the workers try to cover their sneezes

1. Wear the bikini I had ten years ago

(not as fun as yours, but haven't had coffee yet! You are impressively gross. I want to be your friend.)


Wayne said...

. . . and my all time favorite, volunteer my services to give out free bikini waxes to all Miss World finalists!

Lori said...

These are hysterical! I've linked to you, darlin'.

I'm totally with you. I don't shop on Black Friday unless I'm out of eggs. ;))

TIV: the individual voice said...

Well, I'm a little older than you, so here's mine. Have a colonoscopy. Don't ask.

The Quoibler said...

Ello: Lovely use of the word "shat"! Fabulous! And I loved line about the puking and crapping simultaneously. Ain't that a fun experience?

Szelsofa: I wish I were as organized as you! :)

Mary: May little Morty Mouse rest in peace. Thanks for visiting!

Church Lady: You went too far with #1. I am gagging and laughing at the same time.

Wayne: Wait a minute... do you WANT to do that or not? Sounds like a guy's dream...?

Lori: Thanks for the link love!

TIV: Two words: Roto Rooter. OUCH.