For Entertainment Purposes Only

Okay, so I'm not a medium, psychic, or Tarot card reader. But many professional horoscope writers aren't (I know... I was paid to write one once upon a time...)

Consequently, I'm offering next week's predictions (July 1st-7th) for fellow freelancers:

Aries: You may be an active ram, but you need something to keep up your energy. Try heavy doses of sugar and caffeine interspersed with long naps.

Taurus: Expect a bullish week, but avoid producing too much bulls*&t. It's good for your garden but bad for your reputation.

Gemini: Your cat will spit up a fur ball loudly while you're on the telephone negotiating a better rate with an editor.

Cancer: No one is watching, so scarf down that gallon of Haagen-Daas at 2:00 a.m. while desperately trying to meet a deadline. You can always work it off later (yeah, right.)

Leo: Let procrastination guide you this week. Surf the 'net. Read made-up horoscopes. Google yourself. It'll be like a mini-vacation.

Virgo: Expect the unexpected. (I don't know what that means. But you should probably back up your files.)

Libra: Are you "balancing" your work and home life? Nah? No problem. It's overrated. Let the dust bunnies accumulate and write instead of cooking dinner. The kids can fend for themselves.

Scorpio: Screw it. Take up a bad habit this week. Why not? You deserve it. Dammit.

Sagittarius: Learn to love your thunder thighs this week by using your ample lap as extra desktop space. A potbelly makes an excellent temporary armrest.

Capricorn: Food remnants are destined to become stuck under your laptop keys. Invest in some forced air, or merely blow hard (to save money) to dislodge. Use this as an excuse for missing a deadline.

Aquarius: You'll wrestle with a number of dilemmas this week, including whether to take a shower on a daily basis. Be adventurous - see how long it takes until your family begs you to bathe.

Pisces: This week will bring a temporary lull in your hectic lifestyle. Use it to kick back and reorganize your mounting pile of rejection slips.